Good(bad)-bye?

There are so many things in this world that hurts. That causes you pain. That causes you to cry. To feel bad about yourself. To question everything you ever thought. There are so many things that hurt more than what I’m feeling right now. I only have the light version. But it still hurts.

It’s when you realize that it really is over. The case is lost. The stone has finally hit the ground. It is over, and you’re left there, stranded, with a thousand thoughts in your head. Maybe you enjoyed not knowing. It would’ve been nicer to not know. You could shield yourself from the utter, and completely horrible feeling of…

reject.

It is the most horrible feeling I know. I’ve lived most of my life trying to sneak away from it at every chance I got. I wouldn’t put myself in a situation where I might experience it. But I got to a point where everything could only go one way, and I needed to catch myself before I fell way too hard. I have to tell myself that I did the right thing. That I needed to end this once and for all. I need to believe my own words. But whether I do or not, that’s the real question.

Here’s to a new beginning that I don’t know how will go at all. I hope that this year will be different, but it probably won’t. Here’s to another normal year. I will miss him, I will want to take it all back, but I will still know I did the right thing. I needed to save myself. I just hope I did.

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I just want a person that sees the world in me. That makes my day a little bit brighter. That I can go to when I’ve had a crappy day, and suddenly feel good. Feel so much better. I just want someone to hold me. To hold me tight. Forever. Someone who makes the time still. Someone who makes me laugh until I cry. Someone who doesn’t see anyone else than me. Someone I can speak to through my eyes. Someone who will listen to my ramblings about my crazy dreams. Someone who’s just there.

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You may say I’m a dreamer. But that’s just how I am. I’ve read too many books, too many poems, to just expect the ordinary. Even though I think I’d deal perfectly with that, too. I just wish for someone to love me for me. Is that too much to ask?

I’m an error

Numerous, countless of people has written about how today’s society makes teenagers hunt for perfect bodies, perfect CVs and a career that can provide you with what you need. I know that my life is far better than what many others can say for themselves, and that I, at the end of the day, can’t really complain. That’s why we never say anything. That’s why we store it all inside – because we have no reason to feel the way we do. Our life isn’t perfect, but it’s so much closer to it than for so many others. But even though we shouldn’t feel the way we do – we can’t help it. We do feel it.

feels

I have too many worries. I care too much about everything. And I can’t dig up the “i don’t give a fuck” spirit inside of me. I do, in fact, give a fuck, about most things in life. When my normal life isn’t as good as I wished it to be (but still very good compared to many other people), I lean on doing good in sports and at school. I always do good at school. Maybe not as good as I would wish sometimes, but good enough not to care. When I do bad at sports, it ruins me. It ruins me because it’s the one thing that makes everything worth it – the one thing that can always save me. And when it can’t, what will?

We’re insecure. Unsure about everything – and when we lower ourselves to the point were we think we are, we lower ourselves too much. We can do better, and deep inside, we know that. But believing we are, in fact, good, is vulnerable because thoughts like: “what if I’m not?” keeps squeezing in. Shutting them out is the hardest part. We’re so damn afraid. We’re afraid of not making it. Afraid of being a disappointment, to both ourselves and everyone around us. We’re so afraid of failure that we bring it upon ourselves.

New Years Nosolutions

You didn’t make it in 2013. You didn’t in 2014, either. Why would you in 2015?

Each year we sit down and talk about our resolutions for the year. What you would like to accomplish in 2015. Get fit. Read a book. Play a song on the guitar. Travel. Get a boyfriend. The lists are long, but what we all have in common is that we all believe, for a couple of seconds, that we will make it this year. Because this year will be different. I will be different this year.

When really, all we do is push what we have to do under a carpet. Sometimes life is shitty. Sometimes you have to cry a little and both act and feel crappy for some time. Other times, you have to suck it up and live with the crap you’re in the middle of. Sometimes, dealing with it is the only way out. Resolutions written down on a piece of ancient paper, laying in a glass box, won’t change that. New year or not – we still have to deal with shit. A lot of it, too.

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Every year, I end up having accomplished a lot in my life. I’ve learned, laughed, and even cried a little. I’ve been selfish, kind and caring. But I also have things I wished I’d done, but are still left undone – and you know what? That’s fine. There will come a time for everything. I don’t dwell on it – what’s not done will be, sometime. If you want something hard enough, you’ll do it. No matter if it’s a freaking resolution or not. That’s what they all say, huh? Well, we all write new years resolutions, too.

Screw the resolutions. New year or not – you can do it.

Dear 2014 – You Have Not Rocked

Let’s face it. A perfect year doesn’t exist. You can’t have a year which have been perfect from the very beginning to the very end. We’re so obsessed with portraying our lives like we live a perfect one, and the sad thing is, we aren’t even doing it because we want others to see it. We’re doing it because we’re fooling ourselves. Telling ourselves that we are living a perfect life and that this has been a perfect year. When really, the reality is quite different.

2014, as the years before it, hasn’t been perfect for me, but I’m okay with that. I’ve had tons of great experiences of which I have learned a lot from, good moments with my friends and memorable moments with my beautiful family. But I’m still waiting for something to go my way. For me to able to summarize the year with more good than bad. We all want that. It’s human nature to chase after the perfect life, year, day, hairstyle or grades. We crave for something better at all times.

To be perfectly honest (which I am a 100% too much on this blog), I’m not looking forward to my Instagram-feed on New Years Eve. I’m sure many will have posted some cool pictures of fireworks and collages or movies or whatever with tons of picture of all the amazing things you’ve done. Just to be sure all the followers did get the message, you add some heart-touching text where you put words to your never-ending love for everyone and, in the last line, tell us just how perfect your year has been. Little do I know if your year has, in fact, been as perfect, but that’s not what’s annoying. What’s annoying is that while you claim to’ve had the perfect year, I don’t. While you’re thinking: damn, this year has been good, I’m thinking: damn, this year has sucked.

Truth is, I do think a year of which we label as ‘perfect’, is not, in fact, perfect. But what it is, is perfect enough for us, because the good times have been so many more than the bad ones. The good ones make you forget about all the bad ones, and that, my friend, is a perfect year. And if you have been lucky enough to end up having one, then’ll like your stupid New Years Eve Insta-update.

On Plastic Surgery and Changing our Looks

 We live in 2014 (newsflash!), and there are so few limits to what we can do. We can visit the moon, we can make food colorful and bigger than it originally was – and we can change the way we look if we want to and have the resources to do it. In this blogpost, I’ll write about my opinion around changing our looks with plastic surgery. I’m very much open for other point of views – I do have “leave a comment” there for a reason. Do it.

First of all, I have to get some things out in the clear. I don’t mind one bit if people wants to change their looks – if it helps the way they see themselves and their self-esteem, then why not? I’m a girl, and I also happen to be a teenager; it’s not like I don’t know how it is to have complexes and feel bad about elements that are a part of me. It’s not like I don’t find it tempting to change them, either. I’m not saying I can peek into people’s minds and feel what they feel when they decide to take the step, but I will go as far as saying that I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on inside their heads. 

In my head, it’s human nature to have complexes. It’s how we’re designed, how we’re built. It being 2014 doesn’t play a positive part in it either – the pressure being bigger than ever. I saw an article in a magazine for teens, also called “Cosmopolitan”, take a look:

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When Cosmopolitans labels this girl as a “plus-size model”, we can’t really help wanting to change our looks. If we use the recipe the society is putting out there when it comes to how we should look, I bet all the plastic surgery clinics will be full-booked and have work until they retire in ten seconds. How high bars should we have before we change our looks?

In danger of repeating myself a little, I’m standing by my earlier statement where I said that I don’t care whether people choses to change their looks. We all have complexes and some think the solution is removing them. I won’t see a person with different eyes if the person has done a nose job. Some people struggle extremely with their complexes and if visiting the surgeon makes them feel better about themselves, then good for them. I want people to live with themselves in a good way, and if that’s what it takes, then that’s what they should do.

Still, I can’t help but question it. I mean, it’s a human ability we’re all born with to feel self-cautios and insecure about some elements we withhold on our bodies. At the end of the day, I don’t think it’s about changing or not changing our looks. I think that even though you do decide to do plastic surgery, you will find something else about your body that bothers you. Something else you’ll feel insecure about. Whether it’s your eyebrows, your toes, eyes or your nose. Even the ones we see as the most beautiful ladies on this earth has complexes – it’s how it is, and that’s how it always will be. I think it’s about how you chose to let these complexes run your life, and how much you put into things that really aren’t a part of the broader and bigger picture. Truth is, you’ll get one of your bigger complexes to disappear, but you’ll still struggle with the ones remaining. That’s when you learn to cope and live with them in the best possible way.

If you have an opinion on the subject that you’d like to voice, feel free to do just that.

 

 

Been there, done that

Hi world!

Never thought I would say this, but I’ve actually looked forward to writing on this blog again. You see, I haven’t had a stabile internet for four weeks (!!).
One of the few things I’ve picked up on during my holiday in Italy, is how far behind they are on everything with technology in it. All houses are equipped with wifi in Norway, and that houses have internet is something I expect, though something I also came to learn that I shouldn’t do. I think the way Italians (and many, many other countries, too. It’s actually scientifically proved that Norwegian teens are the ones with the most knowledge when it comes to technology, and therefore uses it a lot more. Norwegian teens are also test bunnies with new apps and stuff, if you were wondering) distance themselves from internet without knowing they do, learning to cope with situations and not rely on technology to fix it, is admirable. I could never do that. (America is also one of the countries that are further behind on the technology. Who would’ve guessed?) They should be happy they were never presented to the world of constantly being able to use the internet. They don’t have to cold-sweat, itch and feel empty when they can’t check Snapchat or Instagram every five seconds. When you’ve never experienced it, you don’t know what you’re missing out on.
Anyway, that wasn’t really what I wanted to share with you. I had an honest intention of telling you some of the things I’ve been up to in this foreign country I’ve come to like. And I think I’ll try just one more time.
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It took me forever to download that photo, but it’s so beautiful I’ll bear over with it.

One of the last days in this spaghetti-eating country, my mom and dad found it convenient that we should go visit a cave. I’m not the biggest fan of going on trips (museums, sights and stuff like that just doesn’t fall down in my circle of interest), but the cloudy weather persuaded me. I went with a sigh. We walked down the stairs with a thousand steps (yes, they told me it was a thousand steps, no, I didn’t count). We went into the cave which was beautiful and quite interesting, but despite that fact, I only remember two things the guide with the bad English told us: it was 50 thousand years old, and it was discovered by fishers.
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Now this is a picture of my dad and the steps.

So, if I look past all the children (Seriously, who brings their small children into a cave? 1: they won’t remember a thing anyway. 2: they don’t think it’s neither fun nor will they get anything positive out of it) walking everywhere they’re not wanted as well as crying 70% of the tour, the steps AND the fact that the sun came out during our tour, it was okay. Sweaty from the blistering sun burning in the sky on our way back up the stairs, we decided to go to the beach. I’ll write more about that later!
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The last picture from this cave in Italy.

I don’t remember what its name was. But it was pretty. It really was. At least we did something a little cultural, and that’s not too bad.
“Stay tuned”! Because I’m going to write more about this holiday (which is the last one I’ll have with my parents whom I’m so sick of I can’t even describe it. I mean, 3.5 weeks being with them 24/7 takes its toll). I assure you that you will want to see some more of it. It’s breathtakingly beautiful and I haven’t even told you half of it!
lovelove