I’m an error

Numerous, countless of people has written about how today’s society makes teenagers hunt for perfect bodies, perfect CVs and a career that can provide you with what you need. I know that my life is far better than what many others can say for themselves, and that I, at the end of the day, can’t really complain. That’s why we never say anything. That’s why we store it all inside – because we have no reason to feel the way we do. Our life isn’t perfect, but it’s so much closer to it than for so many others. But even though we shouldn’t feel the way we do – we can’t help it. We do¬†feel it.

feels

I have too many worries. I care too much about everything. And I can’t dig up the “i don’t give a fuck” spirit inside of me. I do, in fact, give a fuck, about most things in life. When my normal life isn’t as good as I wished it to be (but still very good compared to many other people), I lean on doing good in sports and at school. I always do good at school. Maybe not as good as I would wish sometimes, but good enough not to care. When I do bad at sports, it ruins me. It ruins me because it’s the one thing that makes everything worth it – the one thing that can always save me. And when it can’t, what will?

We’re insecure. Unsure about everything – and when we lower ourselves to the point were we think we are, we lower ourselves too much. We can do better, and deep inside, we know that. But believing we are, in fact, good, is vulnerable because thoughts like: “what if I’m not?” keeps squeezing in. Shutting them out is the hardest part. We’re so damn afraid. We’re afraid of not making it. Afraid of being a disappointment, to both ourselves and everyone around us. We’re so afraid of failure that we bring it upon ourselves.

New Years Nosolutions

You didn’t make it in 2013. You didn’t in 2014, either. Why would you in 2015?

Each year we sit down and talk about our resolutions for the year. What you would like to accomplish in 2015. Get fit. Read a book. Play a song on the guitar. Travel. Get a boyfriend. The lists are long, but what we all have in common is that we all believe, for a couple of seconds, that we will make it this year. Because this year will be different. I will be different this year.

When really, all we do is push what we have to do under a carpet. Sometimes life is shitty. Sometimes you have to cry a little and both act and feel crappy for some time. Other times, you have to suck it up and live with the crap you’re in the middle of. Sometimes, dealing with it is the only way out. Resolutions written down on a piece of ancient paper, laying in a glass box, won’t change that. New year or not – we still have to deal with shit. A lot of it, too.

newyears resolutions #4

Every year, I end up having accomplished a lot in my life. I’ve learned, laughed, and even cried a little. I’ve been selfish, kind and caring. But I also have things I wished I’d done, but are still left undone – and you know what? That’s fine. There will come a time for everything. I don’t dwell on it – what’s not done will be, sometime. If you want something hard enough, you’ll do it. No matter if it’s a freaking resolution or not. That’s what they all say, huh? Well, we all write new years resolutions, too.

Screw the resolutions. New year or not – you can do it.